


Stay HIV Postitive, Kids

by orphan_account



Series: Kyman Week 2018 [4]
Category: South Park
Genre: And Kyle's had enough, Day 4: Kyman Moment, HIV/AIDS, Honestly this episode made me laugh my nonexistant balls off, I must mave rewatched it so many times that I've practically memorized the script by heart, Kyman Week, M/M, S12E1: Tonsil Trouble, So here's my reinvention for you lovely people, Where Cartman is a little shit, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 10:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15168257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "We're not just sure, we're HIV positive."The moment that he heard those stupid words, something cracked inside of Kyle. He wanted to kill him, maim him, cut that evil fat fuck's body into pieces and throw the rest into a fire.What made his rage finally break, however, was the amused gleam in Cartman's beady little eyes.This. Wasn't. Fucking. Funny.





	Stay HIV Postitive, Kids

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4: Kyman Moment

When Magic Johnson saw two little boys with AIDS standing in his front entrance, he knew that his day was about to get really weird.

The boy with the green hat had a blank expression, but somehow, he could just sense the unbridled fury seeping out from underneath his impassive facade. The fat boy acted as if nothing was amiss, staring up at him with 'innocence' practically hardwired into his very being.

He tilted his head, looking curiously at the disease-ridden duo. It wasn't like he had anything better to do besides swim in his pile of money, so he might as well humor the kids.

"You boys both have the virus, are you sure?"

The fat one spoke up.

"We're not just sure, we're HIV positive."  
  
The moment that the green hat boy heard those stupid words, something cracked inside of Kyle. He wanted to kill him, maim him, cut that evil fat fuck's body into pieces and throw the rest into a fire.  
  
What made his rage finally break, however, was the amused gleam in Cartman's beady little eyes.  
  
This. Wasn't. Fucking. Funny.

He squinted his eyes and shook with anger, clenching his fists as he snapped at Cartman. "Will you stop it with that!?" Turning around to face the chubby fatass, he pointed furiously at him. "What part of this is funny to you?"

Cartman, cool as a cucumber, replied.

This only worked to rile the ginger up even more.

"Kahl, we need to try to find out-"

"What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?"

A beat passed between the two. Kyle glared at Cartman as if he could bore through his skull and murder him on the spot, and Cartman, while still keeping up his placid act on the outside, stared at Kyle as if he were about to break down and roll on the floor gasping his lungs out at any second.

With a tiny, almost unnoticeable crack in his voice, he broke the awkward silence. "I don't think it's funny Kahl-"

"Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV positive!" Hissing through his teeth, Kyle continued to shake his finger in Cartman's face. "This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!" As he said this, Kyle gesticulated with his arms, waving them all over the place before pointing at Cartman again with all of his might.

Another beat.

At this point, Cartman wasn't sure that he was going to make it without busting up in Kyle's ugly face. "Well," He covered up his laugh with a cough. "excuse me, Kahl, for trying to keep some optimism." He held his arms wide open, then moved his hands in a placating gesture. "You know, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay, HIV positive-"

Kyle leaned in, eyebrows scrunching as he held his white-knuckled fists so tightly that he was sure that he was going to break the skin and draw blood.

He certainly wanted to, with this fat bastard.

"-but if you wanna be so HIV negative all the time-"

"Knock it off! Right now!"

Cartman looked Kyle up and down, blinking. At any moment, the Jew was going to explode.

He couldn't wait.

"This isn't funny!" Kyle turned away from Cartman. "At all!"

Cartman, wanting to push him just a bit further over the edge, raised an eyebrow and gazed at those hate-filled eyes with glee, asking, "Are you sure?"

Kyle seethed. "Yes!"

"Are you HIV positive-"

It was then, that Kyle knew that he had had enough. Fist flying, his punch swung in the air as it sailed and hit it's target, slamming right on the bridge of Cartman's nose.

* * *

Nine years later, nothing much has changed.

Cartman's still an asshole, and Kyle's still just as invested in putting a stop to his assholic ways.

The only difference is that they fool around with each other from time to time.

"Come onnn, Kahl, get away from that stupid desk and kiss me!"

Kyle sighed, pinching his nose in exasperation. "I don't have time to mess around with you, fatass, I have to do my math homework."

"Why the fuck are you over here if you're just gonna be a fucking nerd?" Cartman pouted, crossing his arms. "We haven't done anything for foreverrrrrrrr-"

Kyle turned around in his chair. "Oh, shut the fuck up, fatass, we just had sex last night!"

He childishly stomped his feet, acting as if he were nine years old again and his mother wouldn't let him have the cookie jar. "Yeah, and I wanna do it again! So come over here! I'm horny!"

"I'm not in the mood right now, Cartman, so just leave me alone. Go jerk off in the bathroom."

With that, Kyle swiveled back around, focusing on the pile of papers on his desk. However, Cartman wasn't about to just give up.

Wearing a sly grin, he smoothly slid off of the bed, creeping up behind Kyle as he sensually rubbed both of his shoulders with his warm hands.

"Are you suuure about that, Kahl?"

The redhead scoffed, but Cartman felt the goosebumps popping up on that pale daywalker skin.

"I'm pretty sure, fatass. I really do have a lot of work to do."

"Oh?" He hummed, moving his hands down to Kyle's arms, lightly caressing it with his fingers. "You really think you're sure about it?"

Kyle felt a shiver travel up his spine at Cartman's ministrations, but he wouldn't fall for his tricks. "Yes, Cartman, I'm sure."

"Hmmmm..." Cartman put his head next to Kyle's, licking his hear as he whispered a sweet nothing into his ear. "Are you... HIV positive- ow! What the fuck, Kahl!?"

One moment, he was nuzzling his favorite ginger's neck, and the next, that very same ginger had punched him in the face, standing over him as he held his nose on the floor.

"That isn't fucking funny, it was never fucking funny, and it will never be fucking funny for as long as I live!"

Angrily yanking Cartman up to his feet by his collar, Kyle spat in his face. "Get on the bed, fatass."

"Y-Yes Kahl."

The rest of the night went about as well as you can imagine.

**Author's Note:**

> The vast majority of the dialogue in this fic came from Tonsil Trouble, in this scene in particular:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ai4b7j5a_7M


End file.
